I'm sorry if this ends up being a repeat of the first, but again I want to relieve myself of these dark feelings that keep plaguing my consciousness.

Okay, so to open up my rant I want to state the topic: "Will I fulfill my goal?" Descriptions of my mind's activities follow, and this is all personal so if that deters you, I'm alright with it. Otherwise, read on.

I can't recall exactly when I got into J-rock, J-pop, and anime. It probably started around the original Naruto anime, and would've been back in 2005-2006. Jumping off the OP & ED, I believe Asian Kung-Fu Generation was the first band I really latched onto in Japanese music. As the list of anime I watched expanded, the music I listened to did the same.

There had always been a strange habit within me, I was able to visualize images. Before my J-addiction, I would listen to video game music. Mario themes, Zelda themes, Sonic OSTs. I could see them running when I would sit in the back seat of a car, looking out a window. Pikachu sprinting across telephone pole wires, Kirby hopping from tree to tree. The addiction hit home, and I began to see the anime characters performing similarly.

These visions began to become more sophisticated, became more like fake anime openings. I learned how to "play" a song in my head, even without the music playing audibly. I could hear the vocals, the rhythm, the instruments, all in my mind. To this day I can do it. I think that helped speed this strange habit along.

Skipping ahead to last year, 2008, I became attracted to Nico Nico medleys. The actual chain of progression started with Valve's Portal. The credit song, specifically "Still Alive". I went on YouTube at some point and searched it for a video, and came across a video titled "Still Alive by Miku Hatsune" or something akin to that. It featured a robotic vocal, with an anime-styled blue-green character on a still. I searched for Miku Hatsune, and via that search came across my first medley: Nico Nico Ryuuseigun (Chaos Version). Bizzare, definitely. It's a chaos version, and I loved it.

Any anime fan would generally love it, but I was addicted. I found a database website (not sure if linking to it is allowed, so I won't) and was immersed in the new trend of medleys. I went back to the first Kumikyoku, and began to merge it with my mind. It started out on bus rides to and from school, I had mentally pictured a ShadowMan-esque ninja type running from anime world to anime world, as per the medley's songlist. This went on for a year or so.

I developed it. The ninja gained allies, fought villains, and went through plotlines. This leads up to around a month or so, May of 2009. I had a revelation of sorts:

"What if I were to die?"

Simple, yes? Many people probably think this daily. I pondered what were to happen to my ninja-led escapades into the medleys were my life to end. I hadn't told anyone about it, save God. I had an emotional breakdown (alongside this thought was "Would my online friends respond at all, would they even be able to know I died?") and cried for the first time in years.

I cherish these "visualizations" in my mind. They are very precious to me, and as such I now believe it would be unjust to simply let them vanish, vanish without anyone else knowing them. I've also fostered a hobby for spriting, so I've arrived at this conclusion: making the visualizations that I love exist, as sprite animations.

Sounds good, right? Well, to do this I'm going to have to develop sprites -from scratch-. However, I can't draw, at all. See my first or so journal entry about that if you'd enjoy reading more on that. This leaves me two current options: learn how to draw the sprites, or enlist a partner.

I'd love to have a partner. I suck at social interactions, especially starting them. I had a difficult enough time getting to a chatroom on dA today. If anyone wants to be this partner, please message me. Please.

Yet so far I've convinced myself I'll have to learn how to draw, and do it myself. Thus the inevitable, "Will I do it?" This situation is so dangerous, right now I've fallen into a pit of frustration over it (hence this "release"). I think I ranted about this negative pit in the first release, so read that if you want. ^^~

If you have any encouragements, suggestions, complaints, insults, or whatever you may have to say, please comment or message me. I'm much more than willing to hear you out. Sorry for stopping this early, but my fingers and mind have spilled out as much as they want to for now. Next journal will detail the project, but if you want to sneak a peek at the information (lot of it, warning here), look at the blog I run on Hatsuyuki Subs from time to time: [link]

That's all far now,
if you read all this,
God bless you for it,
Twila.